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Under the Turnip Truck

Tag Archives: Tina Fey

Breathe, Damn It: Part II

15 Saturday Sep 2012

Posted by Toni Ruscio in De-Stressing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Breathe, Breathing, Deepak Chopra, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Ellen Degeneres, Food, health, Helen Mirren, Meditation, Nawang Khechog, Oprah Wintrey, Relaxation, Sleep, Tina Fey, turnip, Vision Boards

Here comes the turnip truck!

MEDITATION

Ahhhh… meditation. I love to meditate… even though I think I am doing it wrong.

In my opinion meditation is very difficult for a person like me. My mind is always racing with thoughts about everything. For example, during a twenty-minute meditation session when I’m seeking inner peace, world peace, physical healing or a past life, I either think of a slew of questions instead or I fall asleep from the exhaustion of thinking too much.


Falling asleep during meditation is VERY common – just ask this kid:

In the event that you wish to listen to some nice mediation music again while you read, click here to listen to more from Nawang Khechog.

Note: It takes a few seconds before the music begins.

TONI’S TYPICAL MEDITATION SESSION

Bell dings to open meditation session.

Breathe…

Concentrate on the breath and on the pretty bright yellow light embracing your whole body – inside and out. It is healing you.

Breathe…

Enjoy the wonderful garden that your soul is floating through right now. … Hey! Is that Oprah’s favorite, giant oak tree in my garden? Is that a sign that Oprah is coming?

No. That is just a regular old oak tree.

Breathe…

What should I eat for lunch right after this session?  I think I will have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Breathe…

What should I make for dinner tonight? Pasta? Cabbage? Take-out?

I wonder what Jim wants for dinner tonight? Jim probably wants pizza. Jim always wants pizza. I think I will make cabbage lasagna.

On second thought, maybe we’ll just order a pizza or maybe we will go out for a pizza because I don’t really want to clean up all the pizza boxes and stuff.

Breathe…

Breathe…

Darn it! I just remembered I ran out of peanut butter yesterday. Now what do I do? I will just make myself an omelet for lunch because I had an English muffin for breakfast with a hardboiled egg and a ½ a papaya so that is at least two different styles of egg. …

No. That’s too much egg for you, T, because you have high cholesterol. High cholesterol runs in your family. Thanks family! I will have a veggie burger instead and be done with it.

Breathe…

God, I want a personal chef. I wish that Oprah, Tina and/or Ellen would hurry up and discover me so that they can offer me a job making decent enough money so that I can live comfortably and buy a personal chef.

Breathe…

 Is wanting to work with/for Oprah, Tina and/or Ellen my dream or someone else’s dream? If it is someone else’s dream then fate suggests that it can’t be my dream and I have to have my own dream. Or did I read that part about dreams wrong?

I think I am incapable of dreaming because I can’t even decide what I want to be when I grow up. My life is almost 39.5% over and what do I have to show for it? Why isn’t meditation making me feel more enlightened right now and less pitiful?

Lordy, those men working on the house next door are so loud and they listen to crappy music.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

    I hate that music.

    You are floating with your angel friend now – feel light and free.

Breathe…

Why aren’t I able to reshape my body even though I am eating right and working out and put a picture of the body I want on my vision board? I seem to be expanding instead of shrinking. That rots. I don’t want to buy new clothes in case I lose weight – that should make Jim financially happy since I can’t afford to be buying new clothes anyway. God, I want Oprah, Tina and/or Ellen to hurry up and discover me so that I can buy new clothes soon… I don’t want to be a senior citizen before I can afford to buy new clothes because … hmmmm… new thought: I hope I’m stylish like Helen Mirren when I am older…

Breathe…

What is my purpose in this lifetime supposed to be?

Breathe…

If I want to reshape my body into that of a perfect Goddess then I had better not eat pizza tonight …

Breathe…

I will order a Caesar salad with no anchovies or dressing.

Yum. Can’t wait …

Breathe…

How can I be of service to others? Deepak Chopra says that is the most important thing you can strive for in life … to be of service to others.

Dr. Dyer thinks so too…

Breathe…

I used to like Eckhart Tolle the best, but I think I like Deepak the best now… and Dr. Dyer… no Eckhart…

Breathe…

Does Tina Fey like Deepak? Oprah loves Deepak.

Am on the right career path?

BREATHE!!!!

God, can’t those workers next door SHUT UP!!!

Am I on a good career path or am I not, damn it!?

Am I on any path?

Am I too lazy?

Do I work too much?

Why can’t I just enjoy existing?

BREATHE!

Maybe reciting a poem will help me focus … Twas the night before Christmas …

Ugh!!! Stop! It’s the summer not winter. Dork.

Breathe…

God, I’m bored … Is it OK to be bored?

Are those workers smoking? Is that smoke I smell? My Lord!!! It’s 2012 – don’t they know smoking is bad for you??? It can kill. Kill. KILL!

Breathe…

I have friends who smoke. They know who they are. Please stop smoking, friends, I want you to live. I am sending loving, non-smoking thoughts to all my beautiful friends…

I wish I had been born with psychic powers. That would be so fun.

I wish I was born a Jedi Master. That would be better.

Am I missing signs that are meant to guide me through life? Probably.

Is that little voice in my head God talking to me or is it just me talking to myself and hoping that God is talking to me and if it is God talking to me then why can’t He be a little more specific with what he wants me to do with myself and my life?

BREATHE, DAMN IT!!!!

And, for the love of Pete, what on earth…

The bell dings and the meditation session is over.

See what I mean?

I’ve studied with all the great meditation teachers via books, periodicals, You Tube, DVDs and CDs and still I’m not that great at quieting my mind and letting it slip into the gap of enlightenment and personal fulfillment … but, I’m better than I used to be!

I just know that the more I meditate the better I am going to get. Maybe one day I will be so good at it that I can float my soul self over to Oprah, Tina and/or Ellen and whisper into their ear(s) that undertheturniptruck.wordpress.com is a great site to visit and they will visit it and then they will find me.

Ahhhh – the power of meditation!

Then again, someone (I can’t remember who) recently suggested that I just email each of them my blog site … now there is a thought. I will get right on it after I post this article!

In the event that you, my Followers, would like to learn to meditate, here is a link to some video lessons by the master, Deepak Chopra.

Note: You may have to hit the back button after watching the video clip in order to return to this page.

Video Clip: Deepak Chopra Meditation Technique

Stay tuned for part 3 of the Breathe, Damn It series, which will focus on yoga and Pilates.

Ommmmmmmmmmm

Until next time…

I’m turning off the turnip truck.

T

Being Beautiful

25 Friday May 2012

Posted by Toni Ruscio in Beauty

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Aishwarya Rai, Ann Noble, Audrey Hepburn, Beautiful, Beauty, Beverly Johnson, Christie Brinkley, Dermatologists, Elisabeth Ruscio, Ellen Degeneres, Freckles, Gale Lafavre, Kate Middleton, Katy Perry, Krystal Brenner, Lucielle Ball, Lucy Ball, Moles, Nancy Bell, Oasis Day Spa, Oprah Winfrey, Princess Kate, Rina Ruscio, Threading, Tina Fey, Toni Ruscio, Wax

Here comes the turnip truck!

Audrey

Krystal

Lucy

A Turnip

Beverly

Ann

Katy

Elisabetta

Christie

Nancy

Aishwarya

Gale

Kate

RiRi

Ellen

Tina

Oprah

Toni

BEAUTY FROM THE BEGINNING

Since the beginning of time the Universe has been plagued with beautiful women. Women who’ve been despised for their good looks and excellent genes.

Followers, today I am here to ask you not to hate us because we are beautiful. Prettiness requires A LOT of work. Beautiful people don’t wake up looking gorgeous everyday. Most of us have to pluck, wax, wash, nip, tuck, color, cut and buff to achieve such perfection!

It’s not easy.

To show you what a chore being beautiful really is, I’ve decided to take you behind the scenes so you can see what I have to do to BE BEAUTIFUL. That said, the beautifying process is a long one. Therefore, this article is going to be a long one, so settle in for the long haul or read it in chapters – whichever you prefer.

This is what I typically look like when I wake up in the morning.

Poor Jim. This is yet another reason for me to keep blurring out his face in photos.

DERMATOLOGISTS

This first thing you must do if you want to be beautiful is make an appointment to see a dermatologist – if you don’t already – so that a professional can check your body, front and back, for any abnormalities and weirdness. Seriously. I go every year and on my last visit I discovered that the cute little freckles which cover my body are really MOLES! Yikes. Fortunately, they are not cancerous and I know to watch them for any changes that may occur over time. You may be able to prevent skin cancer if you just make a dermatology appointment!

WAXING

They say one’s eyes are a mirror of his/her soul … I think … anyway, I want people to be able to look into my eyes and see my inner beauty, but first I have to make sure they can find them! Several times a month I am forced to wax away the jungle above my eyes so that my unruly brows don’t turn into awnings.

I have being going to the same spa for eons because I just love my aesthetician (Meagan at Oasis Day Spa) to pieces – even though she seems to get joy out of torturing me.

Come on, Meagan! You’re pretty too.

It all starts with the waxing pot:

Doesn’t this look enticing?

First, I settle in and get cozy on the waxing table.

Next, I get to enjoy the warmth of the wax as it is spread like butter all over my forehead and melts onto my unwanted hair. It’s nice.

Then RIP!!!!

It’s OK, folks, the pain only lasts a few seconds and the redness goes away in a matter of hours.

Since we are already in Meagan’s torture chamber, I will also share with you my arm waxing experience.

Because I come from a long line of Italians, I am a very hairy girl. My arms resemble that of an orangutan when I don’t wax them.

Don’t feel bad for me though because I was lucky enough to be born with this issue, and so early on I learned to overcome the frightened stares people sported when they saw me coming, the bullying from other kids and the constant excess of hair everywhere.

I’m in a good place now.

Actually, funny stories come out of unfunny situations. Once, when I was a baby, my mom and dad brought me to the zoo and accidentally almost left me in the primate pen! Mom had unknowingly picked up a baby orangutan instead of me and as she started to carry it away she was stopped by security guards who thought she was trying to get herself a free pet by replacing a baby orangutan with an ugly duckling. Upon further examination, the security team understood completely that my mom made an honest mistake.

Really, Mom? Really?

Can you tell the difference?

Back to the waxing…

In order for Meagan to reach all the hair on my arms, she makes me contort my body like a pretzel. I don’t know which hurts more – the actual waxing or my arm popping out of its socket as it “rests” on the table.

One may think I would hate Meagan’s guts for torturing me so, but this is simply not true. I love her. Although, I am concerned when she laughs as I scream. She seems to delight in my pain.

I love Meagan for making me beautiful … and for convincing me that I need to buy hundreds of dollars in top-of-the-line beauty products every month to keep the wrinkles and the age spots at bay.

You’re the best Meagan!

THE UPPER LIP

When I am done waxing the brows and arms, I need to move on to the upper lip … and that REALLY hurts so I take care of that area myself in a more loving fashion.

Instead of waxing, I buy a bottle of Sally Hansen Brush-On Hair Removal Crème from the drug store and go to town tenderly removing the fuzz on my upper lip.

In just a matter of minutes my upper lip is hairless and smooth!

HANDS, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND TOES – KNEES AND TOES

Next, women have to beautify their hands, shoulders (well, really their armpits), knees and toes. This requires that we wax or shave regularly and adhere to a strict manicure and pedicure schedule.

I myself prefer to shave my legs because my hair grows as fast as the weeds in my garden grow, so waxing is not economical for me (if you need a reminder of my hairiness please see the orangutan pictures above).

Don’t I have such pretty legs!

Speaking of personal economics, I can’t afford regular manis and pedis, as my more affluent friends are accustomed to getting, but I do try to keep up with the pedicures in the summer and I always try to get both for special occasions.

Don’t I have the cutest toes and fingers?

Manicures and pedicures are really one of those things that add a polished look to a person’s outward appearance. And they are not just for women! Jim’s friend, Pete, gets regular manis and pedis too! It’s true. Just ask him.

This is Pete:

I know Pete may appear scary at first, but really he is a moderately tempered giant! All the girls at my spa say so.

MOISTURIZE, MOISTURIZE, MOISTURIZE!

Now, beauty wanna-bees, it is very important to moisturize every single day… from the top of your head all the way down to that pinky toe!

I love to moisturize. You’ve already seen a picture of the expensive facial moisturizers I use (above); following is a photo of some of the body moisturizers I am currently using. Hempz is my favorite body lotion; however, I change up the brands of creams I use all the time depending on the size of my wallet.

Note: It’s best to moisturize after you shower when your body is still damp because this allows the moisturizers to seep into your skin better. I saw this tip on Dr. Oz.

MY LUSCIOUS LOCKS

Next, I will tell you how I maintain the luscious locks on my precious head.

I go to a professional (my friend Wendi) and get my hair colored and cut every 6-8 weeks. I should probably go more often for maintenance but I can’t afford to because of those dang facial creams and cleansers Meagan makes me purchase every month.

Plus, when I am done with my hair appointment I like to buy another $100 in fancy coiffure products to nourish my hair and scalp.

Anyway, when I do get to the hair salon Wendi pulls out her weed whacker, mixes the color and sculpts my hair into a nest of niceness.

To start, Wendi colors my hair – this is never a pretty look for me.

Next, I get my hair washed and my head massaged. This is my most favorite part. And, Wendi loves me so much that she uses the most expensive shampoos, conditioners and styling products in the joint because she knows that they are too rich for my blood.

Finally, she gives me a good cut and blow dry and sends me on my merry way.

Me and my nest of niceness:

A MAKEUP REGIMEN

I like to wear makeup when I go out in public. I like the way it covers up all my red blotches and “sun spots”. Depending on the gathering or event or place I am going to, I will change up the brand I use.

For instance, if I am performing or attending a big party I pull out the big guns: MAC Makeup. This is as good for covering up one’s face as Spackle is for covering up a crumbling wall.

For work and everyday use I wear Clinique Makeup.

I prefer wearing neutral colors because it gives me a very natural look, which causes people to wonder if I am wearing any makeup at all! I just love when people ask me if I have make-up on or if my skin is just naturally radiant.  I always say, “Why, no, this is me makeup free! The dewy glow you see is a result of the burpless fish-oil pills I take everyday.”

Now, I know it’s a lie, but it’s a lie that makes me feel good about myself. Besides, the part about the fish oil pills is true. I take one fish oil pill everyday, along with one Vitamin D tablet and 2 Flintstones vitamins (gummy-bear style) for my heart health, bone health, overall skin care and all the things that need help in between.

BEAUTY SECRETS FROM ABOVE

Audrey’s Beauty Secret: When asked in January 1992 if she had any personal beauty secrets besides Sam Levenson’s philosophical tips, Ms. Hepburn said, “If I had them, I’d make a fortune.  But I know what helps: lots of sleep, lots of fresh air, and a lot of help from Estée Lauder.”

Krystal’s Beauty Secret: Krystal is a big fan of eyebrow threading. She says, “I would have to say threading of the eyebrows is the way to go! I never had shape to my eyebrows until I got them threaded. It’s torturous but so worth it! And cheap!”

Lucy’s Beauty Secret: According to The Stir, Lucy was quoted as saying, “The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.”

The Turnip’s Beauty Secret: Use Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion to remove eye makeup.

Beverly’s Beauty Secret: Beverly said, on The Nate Burkus show, “Staying active is important for health and to keep a youthful figure.” Beverly loves to golf.

Ann’s Beauty Secret: Three words: Oil of Olay

Katy’s Beauty Secret: Katy says she is “religious” about washing her face before bed. She also keeps her lips perfectly primed for lipstick by moisturizing them with a sea scrub before she goes to bed each night and applying a little cocoa butter to them each morning. Katy never bakes in the sun – she uses a self-tanner instead. Finally, Katy brushes her teeth about 6 times a day.

Elisabetta’s Beauty Secret: Elisabetta, my maternal grandmamma, died over three years ago, but before that she kept her skin soft and subtle by using Dove Facial Cleanser and Ponds Cold Cream.

Christie’s Beauty Secret: Christie believes it is important to have close relationships with trusted friends and family. She is a vegetarian who doesn’t believe in diets, loves to smile and who always uses sunscreen. She also encourages everyone to work toward protecting the planet – and you can start by eating organically. Christie thinks everyone should go out and enjoy nature and she does all kinds of exercises: gym, Pilates, yoga, walking on the beach, and dancing. And she rarely drinks.

Nancy’s Beauty Secret: Nancy believes that the more expensive products are usually worth the extra money. She also recommends that if you have acne look for products with salicylic acid versus glycolic acid (I would check this tip with a dermatologist first if I were you. Nancy is not a doctor). She believes drinking water helps a person’s skin look better and can help eliminate acne. Finally, Nancy says that alcohol (the kind people drink) makes people look puffy and bloated.

Aishwarya’s Beauty Secret: Aishwarya Rai is a self-confessed natural beauty follower. She uses cucumber to soothe her skin, gram flour to exfoliate, and milk and yogurt to moisturize the skin.

Gale’s Beauty Secret: Gold Bond Ultimate Restoring Skin Therapy Cream.

Kate’s Beauty Secret: According to an insider, Kate’s flat tummy is the work of one of those giant exercise balls. “Kate does an hour’s workout every morning using the gym ball and dumbbells, which includes some core exercises like squats, sit-ups and arm curls.” Apparently she is also a fan of a face mask containing bee-sting venom pioneered by beauty therapist Deborah Mitchell that claims to be a needle-free shortcut to youthful, line-free skin.

I don’t know about that last tip though – her stepmother-in-law, Camilla Parker Bowles, uses the face mask containing bee-sting venom too.

RiRi’s Beauty Secret: RiRi loves Avon Day Cream. She would like to love Avon Night Cream too, but that is currently more money than she is willing to spend on her beauty regimen. Until she gives in and pays the $50 or Avon lowers the price of this product, RiRi will moisturize her face at night with Oil of Olay.

Ellen’s Beauty Secret: I’m going to make a wild guess here:

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Cover Girl.

Tina’s Beauty Secret: To all the women out there, Tina suggests that you lose weight sensibly (when you need to lose weight), always wear a bra (even if you think you don’t need one), have a trademark (Tina’s trademark is her black, horn rimmed glasses), choose the right makeup (she uses Mommy Makeup kits) and be yourself (don’t cover the real you with flashy dresses and jewels).

Oprah’s Beauty Secret: Oprah’s favorite bra is the Le Mystere Tisha Bra.

Toni’s Beauty Secret: Use Preparation H to reduce under-eye puffiness. For years models and Lisa Ling have used Preparation H to reduce under-eye puffiness. It’s not just for hemorrhoids.

Now, if I am being honest, I don’t know if Prep H is really reducing my facial puffs, but if the super models say it works then I’m going to keep having faith that it’s working and I am less puffy than I would be if I didn’t use it on a daily basis.

Please consult a physician before putting Preparation H on your face, as I will not be held responsible for your stupidity.

DON’T SKIP YOUR BEAUTY APPOINTMENTS

Friends, please, whatever the mistakes you may make in your life, do not make the mistake of missing your beauty appointments. My cousin and godchild, Mikayla, learned this the hard way.

The day before her confirmation Mikayla had a waxing appointment with my Meagan. Actually, while I was getting my arms waxed (see above photo) I discovered that Mikayla had the next appointment. When I left the room I could not find Mikayla anywhere. I thought to myself: “Why isn’t she waiting to go in?” So, I called her on the phone … she was skipping her appointment to tool around Boston with a fellow Turnip! I was so embarrassed.

Unfortunately for Mikayla, this was just the first in a long line of missed beauty appointments. Today, she looks like this:

I fear I will soon have a Cousin It in the family.

People are starting to confuse her with Troy Polamalu, which I don’t really get … Troy has a much friendlier smile.

This is Troy Polamalu:

THE FINISHED PRODUCT

After all the waxing, whining, spackling, plastering, moisturizing and painting is complete, this is the image I see looking back at me from the mirror:

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Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

Until next time…

I’m turning off the turnip truck.

T

What I Was and Who I Want to Be

26 Sunday Feb 2012

Posted by Toni Ruscio in Celebrities

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

apostle, bra, day care, dryer, Dusty, Ellen Degeneres, flip-flops, Jesus, nail polish, Oprah, Tina Fey, zumba

Here comes the turnip truck!

Well, my rock-steady Followers, more and more people are starting to LIKE me. Seriously, two more strangers hit the “LIKE” button on my last post… and one dude from Arizona even signed on to be a regular subscriber. Thanks, Dusty!

Dusty is the code name I’m giving my latest stranger-subscriber so that my husband won’t be jealous that I’m calling another man (yes, he is male) by his first name. I chose the name Dusty because he is from Arizona and I imagine that Arizona is a dusty place where the earth sticks to the people who walk across it, which must stink if you are wearing flip-flops or the like. Dirty, crusty feet – yuck.

I don’t know that this is really true because I’ve never been there so I don’t know about the dustiness of the place or whether Dusty wears flip-flops or the like, but it’s true in my mind and that is all that matters. Isn’t it?

All this chatter about dust and dirt, flip-flops and the like reminds me of one of my favorite people in history: Jesus. Seriously, He is one of my most favorite people and I would love to sit down and have a cold beverage with him some day and ask him what his favorite food is (I think it’s his mama’s bread) and who his favorite apostle is (I think it’s John) and if he had ever thought about getting married before finding out he had to save all living things from themselves (I’m one of those people who romanticized his relationship with Mary of Magdala).

I am pretty sure Jesus and I would have been good friends – besties even – maybe we were in one of my past lives. Maybe I was the apostle John!

Uh oh! Look out, Jesus, Margaret Hyde is revving up her engine!

Maybe I called Jesus “Dusty” too – just for fun.

Maybe not.

The following is a picture of what I imagine me and the boys looked like just hanging out back in the day. Peter was such a camera hog – always had to be front and center wearing the flashy outfits.

I’ve digressed. Back to important matters: my mounting fame and notoriety. Last week within about five minutes of posting Set Your Course For Adventure, a beautiful, rising starlet living in Hollywood “LIKED” my post! When I clicked her blog site (she is also a WordPress blogger) I was awed by her photographs. Then I went to her official website and I thought “My goodness! I want to be her”. She is beautiful. In my mind I look like her, but when I look in the mirror I can’t see the resemblance. And she is famous. Her name is Elena and this is her official website:

www.elenalevon.com

 I hope it’s OK that I posted your official website, Elena. I think you’re wonderful and I would like to share you with my world.

Don’t be jealous, Dusty … Elena is prettier than you – and famous.

Just think of it: if Elena found me, maybe Oprah, Tina and/or Ellen will find me too! Maybe I will hear from them some day soon. Oh! I believe that it will be so! I really, really do. Thank you for giving me hope, Elena!

I’m sure Elena wants to hear how I spent my President’s Day, so I will share it with everyone. On Monday Jim and I had lunch with our friend, Colleen. I have no desire whatsoever to be Colleen, though I am grateful for her readership. Colleen has proven to me that she is a faithful reader of Under the Turnip Truck and I want to introduce you to her now, as I think that, should she continue to have unfortunate adventures like the one she told us about Monday, I will be making some fun of her in future posts.

This is Colleen:

Over fish tacos, Colleen told us all about how she went to the gym before work one day and took a Zumba class. Colleen says that Zumba does not make her sweat much. I think she does not sweat in Zumba because she is a lazy-butt who does not swing her hips fast enough. But who am I to judge?

This is Colleen in Zumba class:

After the Zumba class Colleen went to the locker room to shower and get ready for work at her big important job, but she got scared because she felt like the woman standing beside her was stalking her in a creepy sort of way.

This is Colleen’s creepy stalker:

Colleen was afraid the creeper was going to take out her fancy-shmancy iPhone and take embarrassing pictures of her and post them on the Internet; so, to avoid this nut she went back out to the gym and ran on the treadmill for a half hour.

This is Colleen running on the treadmill:

Running on a treadmill is very good for your heart health and if you run fast enough you can work up a wicked sweat and Colleen did just that. She just made pretend she was running for her life. She was so sweaty that her sports bra was soaked through at the end of her workout. She looked like someone dumped a bucket of water on her!

Unfortunately when Colleen went back to the locker room and pulled out her professional business suit and pretty blouse, she realized that she forgot to bring a nice regular bra to wear with it! Had she not gone back out to the gym to avoid her stalker then she would not have ruined her sports bra and she could have just worn that under her pretty blouse.

This is a picture of Colleen’s sports bra:

For those of you that do not know Colleen, it is important to point out that she is very well endowed and so you can imagine her predicament. She tried to dry the sports bra with one of the hair dryers in the locker room, but had no luck. The sucker was drenched.

If only gyms provided the should-be-popular bra dryer pictured below, Colleen would have been home free.

Alas, Colleen had no choice but to go to work and button up her suit jacket, British-soldier style.

Although she was completely covered up, Colleen was still uncomfortable and walked around the office hugging herself. This only attracted unwanted stares from concerned co-workers who were afraid she had a stomach bug.

That was when Colleen decided to go to Macy’s to buy a new bra. While at Macy’s, Colleen found some nice bras to choose from, which she took into the dressing room to try on. According to Colleen, the dressing room was very claustrophobic with the walls and doors going all the way to the floor. This turned out to be a problem when Colleen was exiting the room because the door was stuck closed and she couldn’t even get on her hands and knees and crawl out! Poor Colleen.

Following is a picture of the dressing room Colleen was apparently subjected to using … I can see why it was claustrophobic for her.

She thought she heard a man and his son talking outside the dressing room, but if they were there they left without helping her.

Colleen proceeded to scream for help and yell and bang for over 25 minutes before finally recalling a skill that she acquired at some point on her sinful life’s journey and she used her credit card to jimmy the dressing room door open.

Colleen and Co. during her sinful life’s journey:

After saying a little prayer of thanks, Colleen bought the bra and hightailed it out of there without taking a moment to tell the sales person that the dressing room door was broken. Rude. God only knows how many more people got stuck in there before anyone said something. Well, Rude-Girl, I hope you are enjoying your bra and living happily ever after.

Apparently incidents like this are typical for Colleen. Now imagine, if Colleen’s regular work days are fraught with stalkers, bra-hunts and criminal-like activity, what is her dating life like? I can’t wait to find out!

Our waitress at this little luncheon, Robyn H, was quite lovely, although she didn’t seem to know what to make of crazy Colleen. Can you imagine her thoughts upon returning to the table to check on us and accidentally overhearing sordid details about stalkers, bras and breaking and entering?

Robyn H is a genuinely nice person. I can tell these sorts of things about people due to my skills as an empath. Robyn H wasn’t being fake nice hoping to get a good tip out of us at the end of the meal – she was truly concerned about our lunch-time enjoyment. And after overhearing Colleen’s chatter, she feared for my and Jim’s safety.

Robyn H is also very pretty and trendy and I want to be her.

This is Robyn H:

Notice the hip feather earrings she is wearing in the above photograph. She said her friend makes them and told me where I can get a pair:

beadsandthankyou?section_id=11006252

I went to the site, but they seem to be out of the green ones Robyn H was sporting and those are the ones I want because I love green because Elphaba is green. Robyn H, do you think Miss Whitney will make a special pair of green earrings for me to buy?

And notice her funky nails! They are cheetah print like my living room rug.

In my attempt to be like Robyn H, I bought those Sally Hansen stick-on nail polish thingies she was wearing Monday, but I didn’t get the same results.

I put my nail polish adhesive tape on last night and this morning some of my zebras either ran away or chipped away. Until they make the sticky part of this nail polish stronger and offer lengths in small, medium and large, I would not recommend the average person buy this product. Colleen bought a package of these things too, but after my disaster she is afraid to try them out.

Maybe only model-like girls know how to use them correctly and that is why Robyn H had such good luck with them. Hers had already been on for a week when we saw her. Maybe it’s just me that can’t use them. Hopefully Colleen will try them out and comment so that we all know how the process worked out for her. If she had good luck, well then, there goes my model theory. Stay tuned!

Listen, Followers, do yourself a favor, if you find yourself at the Legal Test Kitchen in Boston, ask for Robyn H to be your waitress and tell her you rode over on the Turnip Truck to say hello. I’m sure she will be thrilled.

Oopsy! Plugged another business!  Sorry Ernie. Ernie is one of my Followers who hates when I plug businesses for other people. He is also the father of one of the men (Sean) I featured in the mullet edition, so what does that tell you?

This is Ernie’s son, Sean:

I burred Sean’s face to protect Ernie’s identity.

Back to Ernie…

Sorry, Ern-dawg, I had to plug those businesses! People need to know that other people exist in this world who are talented and nice. I hope you don’t love me any less. And, please let me know if you want me to advertise your daycare business in a future post, I will be more than happy to do so!

Heck! I will advertise for you right now! Why wait?

Ernie is a wonderful daycare provider. He watches Jack 2 times a week. He plays old-school country music for Jack. He feeds Jack. He changes Jack’s diaper. Some daycare providers don’t give kids the time of day. If you are a daycare provider, please know that I AM NOT talking about you.

Don’t they look jolly! For more information on how to get in touch with Ernie just comment here and leave him all your important information… he’ll get back to you when he is good and ready.

Until next time…

I’m turning off the turnip truck.

T

There’s Nothing Like a Bestest!

02 Friday Sep 2011

Posted by Toni Ruscio in My quest to meet Oprah Winfrey and Tina Fey!

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Bermuda, Best Friend, Bestest, Bestie, Bossypants, Boston, cruise, Georgia, Kermit, Kerry, Manhattan, Margaret, New York, Nicole, Oprah Winfrey, rodeo clowns, rodeos, Tina Fey

Here comes the turnip truck!

First, a note to all my subscribers: THANK YOU SO MUCH! I am so happy to have 20 subscribers in the first week! You are the most important people in my life right now and everything I do I do for you. No. I did not mean to quote a song just then. Seriously. Thank you. I sent my first two emails announcing my new blog site and begging people to subscribe to over 160 people and 20 of you subscribed. I would like to know why the other 140 didn’t bother, but that is neither here nor there because YOU, current subscribers, are the people to whom I’m dedicating this post.

Another note to subscribers: please don’t read this post from your email – go to the blog page so I can tally how many hits I’m getting. I’m obsessed with those darn stats! Besides, the real blog page has more pizzazz. Love you all (and by “all” I mean my subscribers). XO

(For those of you unfamiliar with the “XO” notation, it means hugs and kisses.)

Blowing a Kiss to My Subscribers Me ... The Hug is Right Behind the Kiss, You Just Can't See It!

OK. This is my 4th blog post. I’m so glad I made it this far. I’m starting to feel like all the trouble it took me to build this blog site was not for nothing. Actually, I’m surprised at how technically savvy I am becoming on this blogging machine. I didn’t think it was possible.

 So, as I paid homage to Oprah in my last post I need to pay something to Tina in this one. The way I see it, Tina Fey and I are a lot alike. We have similar writing styles (though Tina’s is a little wittier than mine – and way more grammatically correct. I’ve never been great at spelling or grammar. It’s a curse that I will live with until the day I die – and I’m not dying until I reach the age 100 so I have a long road ahead of me of feeling inadequate.). She is pretty and I aspire to be pretty. I don’t even want to be beautiful pretty. Averagely pretty will do. And, we have both been on the hometown (she from New York and me from Boston) to Bermuda cruise and experienced annoying situations. (Tina, I know you would say this is an understatement in your case, but I’m trying to average out our levels of irritation. If you, the reader of this blog, want to read more about Tina’s annoying cruising experience, go buy her book: Bossypants.)

Tina, if you want to be friends, there is plenty of room in my life for someone as fabulous and fun as yourself. All you have to do is say the word. You can be my Manhattan bestest! (Laura is already my Brooklyn bestest.) I’m sure Amy Poehler won’t mind sharing!

Besties = Best Friends Forever = BFFs = Bestestes

That’s BEST – EST – ES … NOT Beasts

Now on to some of my real-life bestest friends. Please don’t be offended if you are not noted as one of my bestestes on this post. It doesn’t mean anything.

Many of you do not know my friend Margaret. Margaret is my Bestest [friend] in Massachusetts. I have two other bestestes: Nicole in Georgia and Kerry B in North Carolina.

None of my bestestes really like sharing me with other friends. I think this is very nice. It makes me feel special. Seriously, I am not complaining. After all, I put a lot of work into convincing all three of them that I was the bestest friend that they each had in the entire world and they believed me. Cultivating such powerful friendships is very time-consuming and exhausting. So, I’m glad they appreciate my efforts.

Margaret was one I aggressively pursued a friendship with for years before she even noticed me (Noooo, Jim, I did not stalk her) and then I brainwashed her into thinking I was her bestest friend in the whole wide world and we became buddies. Margaret dreams of owning her very own Dairy Queen one day. MMM MM! I looooove DQ! I hope she tosses her nursing career aside and buys this little ice cream hut. It would make me very happy.

Another little tidbit about Margaret is that she hates to talk on the phone. Our relationship continues to be forged on nothing but a multitude of text messages. Margaret doesn’t care that she could get thumb disease from texting on her cell phone all day long. I, too, feel this is a better way to die than, say, holding a cell up to your brain and getting a tumor. That would be painful.

This is Margaret

Kerry is a very unique individual. Firstly, she thinks she gets personal emails from Oprah. She doesn’t.

Nextly, she loves to go to rodeos and country line dance. Actually, she was once smitten with a rodeo clown named Kermit whom she met when we were country dancing at Billy’s in Peabody, MA. It’s true. Even I can’t make up stuff this crazy. It never really worked out with Kerry and Kermit because his job was just too dangerous. She would have nightmares every night that he was getting head-butted by a bull. Ouch! Find the barrel, Kermit!

Finally, Kerry B’s dream is to one day become a professional wrestler like George Clooney’s current girlfriend, what’s-her-name Keibler Cracker. I hope Kerry gets her wish. That would be nice.

This is Kerry B

And what is Nicole’s dream? Nicole wants to be a folk singer. When we were in our 20s she would ask me to sit on the couch in her living room and watch her give would-be concert performances. She was good, but she couldn’t catch a break. It’s all in who you know, I guess. I bet Oprah could make her dream come true.

Nicole now lives in Georgia with her family. Nicole doesn’t want to Skype with me so I never see her anymore. She doesn’t like to use any kind of phone device so I never talk to her. And she is morally opposed to all things Internet, so we never email. Heck! For all I know she moved to India by now. No. I’m just being grumpy. I’m sure one day we will make contact with each other again. That would be a miracle.

This is Nicole

Until next time…

I’m turning off the turnip truck.

T

Mr. Snuffleupagus Is Real

31 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Toni Ruscio in My quest to meet Oprah Winfrey and Tina Fey!

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

30 Rock, chicago, freaks, muppets, Oprah Winfrey, sesame street, Snuffleupagus, Tina Fey, turnip, turnip truck, wicked

Here comes the turnip truck!

For all those interested, I’ve made some updates to the EXPLAINED page. There are now examples which show what may have fallen off a turnip truck and what was born underneath it.

Readers, are these posts too frequent? I feel like I’m running out of things to say already. Which is funny because this blog is about nothing and there is always a lot of nothing to talk about in general, but when you are looking for nothing in particular to talk about for a blog the well is as dry as a week old turkey bone. Please forgive me if every post isn’t witty and fun… the best may well be behind me now. I can promise that I will continue to post silly and/or unflattering photos of people in future posts (see the EXPLAINED page for examples) because that makes me laugh. So, that is something to look forward to! Isn’t it?

Well, believe it or not, Oprah (who, by the way, is my absolute hero) and I have something very important in common – our birthdays are on the same day: January 29th! (Did you get that? January 29th. I am reiterating my birthday date if you want to note it on your calendar and send me birthday messages when the time comes. To me, not Oprah. She has plenty of people wishing her Happy Birthday.)

In any case, I was so excited when I found out about this birthday-thing. I always have this recurring dream that Oprah will pass me on the street some day, somewhere and just look at me and know that I would be the perfect host of her children’s TV show on her OWN network. This is absurd for many reasons the first of which is that her network targets folks in the 18-85 age group and not children. But I hope to change that one day. And maybe she will only have to look at me and know that I’m the perfect one to lead the team in developing quality TV for children. Actually, I don’t want to “lead” anything – I just want to host a children’s TV show. Seriously, I just want to walk on to a TV set where the people dressed in black and holding cameras are actually filming me (get your mind out of the gutter people) and I’m not taking a tour. I will be cute and sassy (and middle-aged, which is approaching rapidly … see the Frightened By My Lot In Life Me photograph on the ABOUT page), have fun and leave.

Actually, one of my goals in life is to be on Sesame Street, but as a real person and not a puppet voice.

The Muppets and Me

If Oprah doesn’t want me for a show on her OWN network, maybe Tina Fey will want me for her show: 30 Rock. Actually, if she doesn’t work me too hard I can slip away from 30 Rock now and then and make an appearance on Sesame Street and scoot back to 30 Rock. They both film in New York City. I’ve always wanted to live in New York City.

Roxie and Me in NYC - We are not in Chicago.

Elphie and Me in NYC

The Freaks and Me in NYC

Right now I’m still trying to find out where Ope spends her days so that I can nonchalantly walk past her. Hopefully she is not hiding out on one of her many estates when our paths cross because that would be awkward. I love you to bits Oprah and I know in my heart that one day our friendship (or workship) will be as real as Mr. Snuffleupagus.

Until next time…

I’m turning off the turnip truck.

 T

Oprah? Tina? Are you there? It’s me … Toni.

29 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by Toni Ruscio in My quest to meet Oprah Winfrey and Tina Fey!

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Oprah Winfrey, SNL, Tina Fey, Tropical Storms, turnip, turnip truck, Weymouth

Here comes the turnip truck!

OK. I decided to blog for several reasons two of which are: 1) because everyone else is doing it, and 2) because this may be the perfect way to get the attention of Oprah Winfrey and/or Tina Fey. Do you hear me Oprah and Tina? I am desperately reaching out to you! (Please see the lovely photo of us from my first post.)

So, I feel that I should warn you about a few things before you read any further. If you are a reader who is looking for well-written, thought-out, deep articles on important topics (or things you think are important), this is not the blog for you. Stop reading now. This blog is about as deep as the sewn up pockets on a fancy pair of trouser pants. If, however, you have the hankerin’ for an odd sort of stream of consciousness writing that focuses on nothing and everything and sometimes something specific and always on Oprah and Tina all at the same time, then this is the perfect blog for you.

I ask that anyone who has a nasty comment to share – please do keep it to yourself. I don’t want anyone spreading his or her negativity into my Universe. There is too much hate and badness going around and I’m trying to avoid all of it. Plus, I have students who may stumble across this blog (because I sent them the link and begged them to read it) and I don’t want them exposed to such crap – regardless of what they are experiencing in the real word. Anyone stepping into my world for a few minutes will be stepping into a different sort of bubble and it’s a very nice bubble full of fun and magic – a happy bubble.

I feel like I should comment on yesterday’s “tropical storm”, but I don’t really have anything to say about it. I didn’t turn on the news. I didn’t read about it on the Internet. A witch only pedaled past my office window once. So, for me nothing unusual happened. I will say this, it was very funny (because nobody was hurt) how many texts I got throughout the day from family and friends describing fallen trees in their back or front yards. And isn’t it weird how every time a tree falls in a front (or side) yard, it always seems to find a power line or two on its way down? The fallen back yard trees always end up in, or crushing, a family pool or wanna-be garden. It was also strange how the severity of the storm differed from town to town.

For example, here is how some folks spent the day in parts of Weymouth, MA:

Irena Poppins Enjoys the Summer's First Tropical Storm

And here is what was going on just one town over:

Man Forced to Swim Home During Irene

(The above images are real photographs and have not been doctored in any way.)

Truly, I hope that you all survived the weekend unscathed and are enjoying this gorgeous day.

That is all I have to say for now. For those of you (Nancy) who could only find one page of this blog on your first perusal of the site, please know that there are currently three (3) pages: the Home Page, which you can get to by clicking on the title, Under the Turnip Truck, at the top of the page, the About Page, where you will see the cutest photo of my new little nephew, Jackson…. and his gigantic flip-flops, and the Under the Turnip Truck Explained page, which will … explain … why I chose this name.  More pages may or may not be added later. Please go and read them because it will make me feel better about myself. I can tell from the “stats” section of the blog data base who isn’t going to view those pages. So GO. Please.

I wish I could think of a cool sign-off, but I can’t. And if you offer me one and I take it, know now that I’m not giving you any credit for it. Like the powers-that-be at SNL and like Shakespeare, I will just steal it from you and call it a day. Actually Shakespeare only “borrowed” from other writers and he always made it better in the end, so that made the stealing borrowing okay. Don’t you think?

So, until that cool sign-off comes along …

 I’m turning off the turnip truck.

T

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