Here comes the turnip truck!
Well, my rock-steady Followers, more and more people are starting to LIKE me. Seriously, two more strangers hit the “LIKE” button on my last post… and one dude from Arizona even signed on to be a regular subscriber. Thanks, Dusty!
Dusty is the code name I’m giving my latest stranger-subscriber so that my husband won’t be jealous that I’m calling another man (yes, he is male) by his first name. I chose the name Dusty because he is from Arizona and I imagine that Arizona is a dusty place where the earth sticks to the people who walk across it, which must stink if you are wearing flip-flops or the like. Dirty, crusty feet – yuck.
I don’t know that this is really true because I’ve never been there so I don’t know about the dustiness of the place or whether Dusty wears flip-flops or the like, but it’s true in my mind and that is all that matters. Isn’t it?
All this chatter about dust and dirt, flip-flops and the like reminds me of one of my favorite people in history: Jesus. Seriously, He is one of my most favorite people and I would love to sit down and have a cold beverage with him some day and ask him what his favorite food is (I think it’s his mama’s bread) and who his favorite apostle is (I think it’s John) and if he had ever thought about getting married before finding out he had to save all living things from themselves (I’m one of those people who romanticized his relationship with Mary of Magdala).
I am pretty sure Jesus and I would have been good friends – besties even – maybe we were in one of my past lives. Maybe I was the apostle John!
Uh oh! Look out, Jesus, Margaret Hyde is revving up her engine!
Maybe I called Jesus “Dusty” too – just for fun.
The following is a picture of what I imagine me and the boys looked like just hanging out back in the day. Peter was such a camera hog – always had to be front and center wearing the flashy outfits.
I’ve digressed. Back to important matters: my mounting fame and notoriety. Last week within about five minutes of posting Set Your Course For Adventure, a beautiful, rising starlet living in Hollywood “LIKED” my post! When I clicked her blog site (she is also a WordPress blogger) I was awed by her photographs. Then I went to her official website and I thought “My goodness! I want to be her”. She is beautiful. In my mind I look like her, but when I look in the mirror I can’t see the resemblance. And she is famous. Her name is Elena and this is her official website:
I hope it’s OK that I posted your official website, Elena. I think you’re wonderful and I would like to share you with my world.
Don’t be jealous, Dusty … Elena is prettier than you – and famous.
Just think of it: if Elena found me, maybe Oprah, Tina and/or Ellen will find me too! Maybe I will hear from them some day soon. Oh! I believe that it will be so! I really, really do. Thank you for giving me hope, Elena!
I’m sure Elena wants to hear how I spent my President’s Day, so I will share it with everyone. On Monday Jim and I had lunch with our friend, Colleen. I have no desire whatsoever to be Colleen, though I am grateful for her readership. Colleen has proven to me that she is a faithful reader of Under the Turnip Truck and I want to introduce you to her now, as I think that, should she continue to have unfortunate adventures like the one she told us about Monday, I will be making some fun of her in future posts.
This is Colleen:
Over fish tacos, Colleen told us all about how she went to the gym before work one day and took a Zumba class. Colleen says that Zumba does not make her sweat much. I think she does not sweat in Zumba because she is a lazy-butt who does not swing her hips fast enough. But who am I to judge?
This is Colleen in Zumba class:
After the Zumba class Colleen went to the locker room to shower and get ready for work at her big important job, but she got scared because she felt like the woman standing beside her was stalking her in a creepy sort of way.
This is Colleen’s creepy stalker:
Colleen was afraid the creeper was going to take out her fancy-shmancy iPhone and take embarrassing pictures of her and post them on the Internet; so, to avoid this nut she went back out to the gym and ran on the treadmill for a half hour.
This is Colleen running on the treadmill:
Running on a treadmill is very good for your heart health and if you run fast enough you can work up a wicked sweat and Colleen did just that. She just made pretend she was running for her life. She was so sweaty that her sports bra was soaked through at the end of her workout. She looked like someone dumped a bucket of water on her!
Unfortunately when Colleen went back to the locker room and pulled out her professional business suit and pretty blouse, she realized that she forgot to bring a nice regular bra to wear with it! Had she not gone back out to the gym to avoid her stalker then she would not have ruined her sports bra and she could have just worn that under her pretty blouse.
This is a picture of Colleen’s sports bra:
For those of you that do not know Colleen, it is important to point out that she is very well endowed and so you can imagine her predicament. She tried to dry the sports bra with one of the hair dryers in the locker room, but had no luck. The sucker was drenched.
If only gyms provided the should-be-popular bra dryer pictured below, Colleen would have been home free.
Alas, Colleen had no choice but to go to work and button up her suit jacket, British-soldier style.
Although she was completely covered up, Colleen was still uncomfortable and walked around the office hugging herself. This only attracted unwanted stares from concerned co-workers who were afraid she had a stomach bug.
That was when Colleen decided to go to Macy’s to buy a new bra. While at Macy’s, Colleen found some nice bras to choose from, which she took into the dressing room to try on. According to Colleen, the dressing room was very claustrophobic with the walls and doors going all the way to the floor. This turned out to be a problem when Colleen was exiting the room because the door was stuck closed and she couldn’t even get on her hands and knees and crawl out! Poor Colleen.
Following is a picture of the dressing room Colleen was apparently subjected to using … I can see why it was claustrophobic for her.
She thought she heard a man and his son talking outside the dressing room, but if they were there they left without helping her.
Colleen proceeded to scream for help and yell and bang for over 25 minutes before finally recalling a skill that she acquired at some point on her sinful life’s journey and she used her credit card to jimmy the dressing room door open.
Colleen and Co. during her sinful life’s journey:
After saying a little prayer of thanks, Colleen bought the bra and hightailed it out of there without taking a moment to tell the sales person that the dressing room door was broken. Rude. God only knows how many more people got stuck in there before anyone said something. Well, Rude-Girl, I hope you are enjoying your bra and living happily ever after.
Apparently incidents like this are typical for Colleen. Now imagine, if Colleen’s regular work days are fraught with stalkers, bra-hunts and criminal-like activity, what is her dating life like? I can’t wait to find out!
Our waitress at this little luncheon, Robyn H, was quite lovely, although she didn’t seem to know what to make of crazy Colleen. Can you imagine her thoughts upon returning to the table to check on us and accidentally overhearing sordid details about stalkers, bras and breaking and entering?
Robyn H is a genuinely nice person. I can tell these sorts of things about people due to my skills as an empath. Robyn H wasn’t being fake nice hoping to get a good tip out of us at the end of the meal – she was truly concerned about our lunch-time enjoyment. And after overhearing Colleen’s chatter, she feared for my and Jim’s safety.
Robyn H is also very pretty and trendy and I want to be her.
This is Robyn H:
Notice the hip feather earrings she is wearing in the above photograph. She said her friend makes them and told me where I can get a pair:
I went to the site, but they seem to be out of the green ones Robyn H was sporting and those are the ones I want because I love green because Elphaba is green. Robyn H, do you think Miss Whitney will make a special pair of green earrings for me to buy?
And notice her funky nails! They are cheetah print like my living room rug.
In my attempt to be like Robyn H, I bought those Sally Hansen stick-on nail polish thingies she was wearing Monday, but I didn’t get the same results.
I put my nail polish adhesive tape on last night and this morning some of my zebras either ran away or chipped away. Until they make the sticky part of this nail polish stronger and offer lengths in small, medium and large, I would not recommend the average person buy this product. Colleen bought a package of these things too, but after my disaster she is afraid to try them out.
Maybe only model-like girls know how to use them correctly and that is why Robyn H had such good luck with them. Hers had already been on for a week when we saw her. Maybe it’s just me that can’t use them. Hopefully Colleen will try them out and comment so that we all know how the process worked out for her. If she had good luck, well then, there goes my model theory. Stay tuned!
Listen, Followers, do yourself a favor, if you find yourself at the Legal Test Kitchen in Boston, ask for Robyn H to be your waitress and tell her you rode over on the Turnip Truck to say hello. I’m sure she will be thrilled.
Oopsy! Plugged another business! Sorry Ernie. Ernie is one of my Followers who hates when I plug businesses for other people. He is also the father of one of the men (Sean) I featured in the mullet edition, so what does that tell you?
This is Ernie’s son, Sean:
I burred Sean’s face to protect Ernie’s identity.
Back to Ernie…
Sorry, Ern-dawg, I had to plug those businesses! People need to know that other people exist in this world who are talented and nice. I hope you don’t love me any less. And, please let me know if you want me to advertise your daycare business in a future post, I will be more than happy to do so!
Heck! I will advertise for you right now! Why wait?
Ernie is a wonderful daycare provider. He watches Jack 2 times a week. He plays old-school country music for Jack. He feeds Jack. He changes Jack’s diaper. Some daycare providers don’t give kids the time of day. If you are a daycare provider, please know that I AM NOT talking about you.
Until next time…
I’m turning off the turnip truck.