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Here comes the turnip truck!
Followers, today you are very fortunate because I am going to tell you a VERY LONG story about an overly romantic man and his ever-loving wife.
Please know that names have been changed or not mentioned to protect the reputations of the story’s real-life characters.
GNOMEO AND HIS EVER-LOVING WIFE
Once upon a time a woman gave birth to one of the nicest boys that ever lived. This boy was so nice that he was loathed by a lot of people. People found it hard to be in the presence of this little boy because all they saw when they looked at him were their own shortcomings and inadequacies.
The little boy eventually grew into a big boy and as he grew so did all his irritating virtues. Among other things, he was always overly generous, annoyingly patient, super kind, ridiculously romantic, and ultra compassionate. These virtues were a curse for the boy because they completely overshadowed and, in fact, squashed out all the attractive vices women love so much.
Throughout history many good girls have been attracted to the cool looking bad biker dudes … like the fella below.
At least that was the case until one day when the afore-mentioned big boy met a beautiful, vivacious, intelligent and talented girl who agreed to be his ever-loving wife.
They were married on December 27, 2003
Both the boy and his ever-loving wife were hopeful and optimistic at the start of their marriage.
Both were sure that wedded life would be bliss.
Unfortunately, year after year on their anniversary, the boy ended up making his ever-loving wife feel very inadequate. In fact, sometimes these feelings of inadequacy lead the wife to angrily do or say things she later truly regretted.
Each year the boy carefully researched the traditional gift that was most appropriate for that particular anniversary.
AN EXAMPLE TIMELINE
December 27, 2004
Being married for 1 year is represented by a gift of paper.
On December 27, 2004, the boy gave his ever-loving wife a card (and flowers).
The ever-loving wife gave him a card too.
The two were off to a good start!
December 27, 2005
Being married for 2 years is represented by a gift of cotton.
On December 27, 2005, the boy gave his ever-loving wife Wicked (the musical) t-shirts (1 short-sleeved and 1 long-sleeved). He also took his wife to the stage musical, White Christmas.
Because she felt bad for not giving him a gift, the boy’s ever-loving wife angrily purchased him an expensive White Christmas t-shirt after the show and threw it at him.
The boy was sad.
The ever-loving wife was embarrassed.
December 27, 2006
Being married for 3 years is represented by a gift of leather.
On December 27, 2006, the boy gave his ever-loving wife, a graduate student at the time, a leather backpack, which he had handmade on some ranch Oklahoma.
The boy’s ever-loving wife gave him nothing.
The boy was delighted with his creativity in thinking up the perfect gift for the occasion.
The ever-loving wife was pissed.
December 27, 2007
Being married for 4 years is represented by a gift of fruit and flowers.
On December 27, 2007, the boy gave his ever-loving wife a card and flowers. No fruit.
The boy’s ever-loving wife went to their refrigerator, took out an orange and threw it at him!
The boy laughed and laughed because he thought his ever-loving wife was having fun with him.
December 27, 2008
Being married for 5 years is represented by a gift of wood.
On December 27, 2008, the boy was too afraid to buy his ever-loving wife anything for fear that it would lead to divorce.
The boy’s ever-loving wife gave him a tube of wood filler (so he could fill in the holes he drilled all over her stage floor at work) …
… and a Home Depot gift card (so he could buy wood to build things for her).
The boy was so happy to see his ever-loving wife walk tall, feeling smart and superior to everyone around her.
He lost and she won and all was well again.
December 27, 2009
Being married for 6 years is represented by a gift of candy.
On December 27, 2009, the boy gave his ever-loving wife an extra-large, extra-fattening box of chocolates.
The ever-loving wife gave him nothing but a kick in the butt for making her feel fatter than she already felt.
December 27, 2010
Being married for 7 years is represented by a gift of copper and wool.
On December 27, 2010, the boy gave his ever-loving wife a lovely woolen scarf, hat and glove set.
The ever-loving wife gave him nothing and eventually lost the damn hat in a snowstorm.
December 27, 2011
Being married for 8 years is represented by a gift of pottery.
On December 27, 2011, the boy begged his ever-loving wife to take a pottery class with him so that they could give each other a piece of pottery.
The ever-loving wife grudgingly, and against her better judgment, agreed.
The boy and his ever-loving wife were both very busy with work and extra-curricular activities in the months following their 8th anniversary. As the months flew by, the boy’s ever-loving wife was hoping that he would forget about this silly pottery idea.
The boy was so excited when an opening appeared on their over-scheduled calendars, that he scheduled a time for himself and his ever-loving wife to go and potterize.
Seeing the boy so happy made his wife realize that she needed to stop being such a Debbie Downer and just have fun.
THE POTTERY CLASS
The boy’s ever-loving wife hated all kinds of arts and crafts – including ceramics. You can imagine her disappointment when the boy unwittingly chose a ceramics joint instead of a pottery class for them to celebrate their 8th anniversary (the ever-loving wife insists there is a difference between the two).
The poor ever-loving wife had actually started getting excited about shaping a big lump of clay into a vase or a bowl or something; instead, she was going to have to pick an unfinished and unoriginal ceramic mold off a cluttered shelf and paint it.
She wouldn’t even get to glaze her project herself, as the shop does that part and customers get to pick up their finished products a week later.
THE CERAMICS SESSION
Upon stepping inside the ceramics shop the boy’s unsuspecting, ever-loving wife was completely horrified by the sight before her!
Lots of screaming, cackling, energetic, crazy girl scouts!
There, spread across 75% of the small noise-inducing space was a troupe of insane, insufferable girl scouts and their equally disruptive chaperones.
The ever-loving wife should have run right then and there, but because she had a big, ever-loving heart and didn’t want to disappoint the boy, she stayed.
As they looked through all the unfinished molds of cats, bowls, mugs and plates, they stumbled across some garden gnomes. Because the ever-loving wife has a thing for garden gnomes they decided to buy two (at $20+ a piece) and paint those.
As the boy and his ever-loving wife filled the little plastic paint pallets the girl scouts whirled around them making so much noise that the ever-loving wife could feel her blood pressure rising and in that moment she really, really hated the boy for putting his desires before her own.
While they were painting the damn gnomes, the little monsters around them screamed louder and ran around the place squealing like pigs in mud. Their chaperones were worse.
Hiding behind his gnome, the boy finally admitted to his unsuspecting and ever-loving wife that when he called to confirm their ceramics time earlier that day, he was informed that there would be a group of girl scouts there.
The boy thought it best not to tell his ever-loving wife because he was sure she wouldn’t go if she knew. For once in his life, the boy was right!
The Lord carried His cross first and the boy’s ever-loving wife carried one that night.
Three hours later, the ever-loving wife’s head was pounding from all the noise, her face hurt from clenching her teeth so tightly, and her arms and shoulder blades ached from all the painting. All she wanted was a big bottle of Ibuprofen.
Now, understand that the boy’s ever-loving wife doesn’t hate the girl scouts; she just doesn’t want to be around them when they are on field trips. She always says they sell awesome cookies!
From that day forth the ever-loving wife affectionately referred to her infuriatingly romantic husband as Gnomeo as a forever reminder of the Gnomes they painted that awful wonderful night.
And, the evening did end on a good note, as the pair met their friends, M&M, for a late dinner and M1 brought her ever-loving friend that big bottle of Ibuprofen she so desperately needed.
THE ALMOST END
Stories like this one make me believe that life would be so much less stressful if we all just agreed to abolish this whole silly gift-giving tradition. And don’t all you self-righteous, hypocritical freaks act like you don’t think the same thing each time you wrap an obligatory present because you do and you know it!
Gnomeo and his ever-loving wife have only had eight anniversaries thus far… and probably won’t be having anymore if Gnomeo continues to outdo her in the gift department.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
The moral of this story is:
For a healthy and happy marriage, all a man needs to do is remember NOT to outdo his ever-loving wife (wives if he is married to more than one wife) – EVER!
For that matter, men should never ever act like they are better than, smarter than, prettier than or righter than their ever-loving wives because they are not – EVER!
That is just the honest truth and you know I’m right.
Please know that the ever-loving wife truly appreciates her Gnomeo. She realizes that there are people out there who really are in tough marital situations and she has a message for all of you:
Fear not friends and general Turnip Truck followers who are or have ever been married to truly despicable spouses – one day when you are all happily divorced Toni will gleefully run her turnip truck over them all!
THE REAL END
Until next time…
I’m turning off the turnip truck.