Here comes the turnip truck!
Audrey
Krystal
Lucy
A Turnip
Beverly
Ann
Katy
Elisabetta
Christie
Nancy
Aishwarya
Gale
Kate
RiRi
Ellen
Tina
Oprah
Toni
BEAUTY FROM THE BEGINNING
Since the beginning of time the Universe has been plagued with beautiful women. Women who’ve been despised for their good looks and excellent genes.
Followers, today I am here to ask you not to hate us because we are beautiful. Prettiness requires A LOT of work. Beautiful people don’t wake up looking gorgeous everyday. Most of us have to pluck, wax, wash, nip, tuck, color, cut and buff to achieve such perfection!
It’s not easy.
To show you what a chore being beautiful really is, I’ve decided to take you behind the scenes so you can see what I have to do to BE BEAUTIFUL. That said, the beautifying process is a long one. Therefore, this article is going to be a long one, so settle in for the long haul or read it in chapters – whichever you prefer.
This is what I typically look like when I wake up in the morning.
Poor Jim. This is yet another reason for me to keep blurring out his face in photos.
DERMATOLOGISTS
This first thing you must do if you want to be beautiful is make an appointment to see a dermatologist – if you don’t already – so that a professional can check your body, front and back, for any abnormalities and weirdness. Seriously. I go every year and on my last visit I discovered that the cute little freckles which cover my body are really MOLES! Yikes. Fortunately, they are not cancerous and I know to watch them for any changes that may occur over time. You may be able to prevent skin cancer if you just make a dermatology appointment!
WAXING
They say one’s eyes are a mirror of his/her soul … I think … anyway, I want people to be able to look into my eyes and see my inner beauty, but first I have to make sure they can find them! Several times a month I am forced to wax away the jungle above my eyes so that my unruly brows don’t turn into awnings.
I have being going to the same spa for eons because I just love my aesthetician (Meagan at Oasis Day Spa) to pieces – even though she seems to get joy out of torturing me.
Come on, Meagan! You’re pretty too.
It all starts with the waxing pot:
Doesn’t this look enticing?
First, I settle in and get cozy on the waxing table.
Next, I get to enjoy the warmth of the wax as it is spread like butter all over my forehead and melts onto my unwanted hair. It’s nice.
Then RIP!!!!
It’s OK, folks, the pain only lasts a few seconds and the redness goes away in a matter of hours.
Since we are already in Meagan’s torture chamber, I will also share with you my arm waxing experience.
Because I come from a long line of Italians, I am a very hairy girl. My arms resemble that of an orangutan when I don’t wax them.
Don’t feel bad for me though because I was lucky enough to be born with this issue, and so early on I learned to overcome the frightened stares people sported when they saw me coming, the bullying from other kids and the constant excess of hair everywhere.
I’m in a good place now.
Actually, funny stories come out of unfunny situations. Once, when I was a baby, my mom and dad brought me to the zoo and accidentally almost left me in the primate pen! Mom had unknowingly picked up a baby orangutan instead of me and as she started to carry it away she was stopped by security guards who thought she was trying to get herself a free pet by replacing a baby orangutan with an ugly duckling. Upon further examination, the security team understood completely that my mom made an honest mistake.
Really, Mom? Really?
Can you tell the difference?
Back to the waxing…
In order for Meagan to reach all the hair on my arms, she makes me contort my body like a pretzel. I don’t know which hurts more – the actual waxing or my arm popping out of its socket as it “rests” on the table.
One may think I would hate Meagan’s guts for torturing me so, but this is simply not true. I love her. Although, I am concerned when she laughs as I scream. She seems to delight in my pain.
I love Meagan for making me beautiful … and for convincing me that I need to buy hundreds of dollars in top-of-the-line beauty products every month to keep the wrinkles and the age spots at bay.
You’re the best Meagan!
THE UPPER LIP
When I am done waxing the brows and arms, I need to move on to the upper lip … and that REALLY hurts so I take care of that area myself in a more loving fashion.
Instead of waxing, I buy a bottle of Sally Hansen Brush-On Hair Removal Crème from the drug store and go to town tenderly removing the fuzz on my upper lip.
In just a matter of minutes my upper lip is hairless and smooth!
HANDS, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND TOES – KNEES AND TOES
Next, women have to beautify their hands, shoulders (well, really their armpits), knees and toes. This requires that we wax or shave regularly and adhere to a strict manicure and pedicure schedule.
I myself prefer to shave my legs because my hair grows as fast as the weeds in my garden grow, so waxing is not economical for me (if you need a reminder of my hairiness please see the orangutan pictures above).
Don’t I have such pretty legs!
Speaking of personal economics, I can’t afford regular manis and pedis, as my more affluent friends are accustomed to getting, but I do try to keep up with the pedicures in the summer and I always try to get both for special occasions.
Don’t I have the cutest toes and fingers?
Manicures and pedicures are really one of those things that add a polished look to a person’s outward appearance. And they are not just for women! Jim’s friend, Pete, gets regular manis and pedis too! It’s true. Just ask him.
This is Pete:
I know Pete may appear scary at first, but really he is a moderately tempered giant! All the girls at my spa say so.
MOISTURIZE, MOISTURIZE, MOISTURIZE!
Now, beauty wanna-bees, it is very important to moisturize every single day… from the top of your head all the way down to that pinky toe!
I love to moisturize. You’ve already seen a picture of the expensive facial moisturizers I use (above); following is a photo of some of the body moisturizers I am currently using. Hempz is my favorite body lotion; however, I change up the brands of creams I use all the time depending on the size of my wallet.
Note: It’s best to moisturize after you shower when your body is still damp because this allows the moisturizers to seep into your skin better. I saw this tip on Dr. Oz.
MY LUSCIOUS LOCKS
Next, I will tell you how I maintain the luscious locks on my precious head.
I go to a professional (my friend Wendi) and get my hair colored and cut every 6-8 weeks. I should probably go more often for maintenance but I can’t afford to because of those dang facial creams and cleansers Meagan makes me purchase every month.
Plus, when I am done with my hair appointment I like to buy another $100 in fancy coiffure products to nourish my hair and scalp.
Anyway, when I do get to the hair salon Wendi pulls out her weed whacker, mixes the color and sculpts my hair into a nest of niceness.
To start, Wendi colors my hair – this is never a pretty look for me.
Next, I get my hair washed and my head massaged. This is my most favorite part. And, Wendi loves me so much that she uses the most expensive shampoos, conditioners and styling products in the joint because she knows that they are too rich for my blood.
Finally, she gives me a good cut and blow dry and sends me on my merry way.
Me and my nest of niceness:
A MAKEUP REGIMEN
I like to wear makeup when I go out in public. I like the way it covers up all my red blotches and “sun spots”. Depending on the gathering or event or place I am going to, I will change up the brand I use.
For instance, if I am performing or attending a big party I pull out the big guns: MAC Makeup. This is as good for covering up one’s face as Spackle is for covering up a crumbling wall.
For work and everyday use I wear Clinique Makeup.
I prefer wearing neutral colors because it gives me a very natural look, which causes people to wonder if I am wearing any makeup at all! I just love when people ask me if I have make-up on or if my skin is just naturally radiant. I always say, “Why, no, this is me makeup free! The dewy glow you see is a result of the burpless fish-oil pills I take everyday.”
Now, I know it’s a lie, but it’s a lie that makes me feel good about myself. Besides, the part about the fish oil pills is true. I take one fish oil pill everyday, along with one Vitamin D tablet and 2 Flintstones vitamins (gummy-bear style) for my heart health, bone health, overall skin care and all the things that need help in between.
BEAUTY SECRETS FROM ABOVE
Audrey’s Beauty Secret: When asked in January 1992 if she had any personal beauty secrets besides Sam Levenson’s philosophical tips, Ms. Hepburn said, “If I had them, I’d make a fortune. But I know what helps: lots of sleep, lots of fresh air, and a lot of help from Estée Lauder.”
Krystal’s Beauty Secret: Krystal is a big fan of eyebrow threading. She says, “I would have to say threading of the eyebrows is the way to go! I never had shape to my eyebrows until I got them threaded. It’s torturous but so worth it! And cheap!”
Lucy’s Beauty Secret: According to The Stir, Lucy was quoted as saying, “The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.”
The Turnip’s Beauty Secret: Use Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion to remove eye makeup.
Beverly’s Beauty Secret: Beverly said, on The Nate Burkus show, “Staying active is important for health and to keep a youthful figure.” Beverly loves to golf.
Ann’s Beauty Secret: Three words: Oil of Olay
Katy’s Beauty Secret: Katy says she is “religious” about washing her face before bed. She also keeps her lips perfectly primed for lipstick by moisturizing them with a sea scrub before she goes to bed each night and applying a little cocoa butter to them each morning. Katy never bakes in the sun – she uses a self-tanner instead. Finally, Katy brushes her teeth about 6 times a day.
Elisabetta’s Beauty Secret: Elisabetta, my maternal grandmamma, died over three years ago, but before that she kept her skin soft and subtle by using Dove Facial Cleanser and Ponds Cold Cream.
Christie’s Beauty Secret: Christie believes it is important to have close relationships with trusted friends and family. She is a vegetarian who doesn’t believe in diets, loves to smile and who always uses sunscreen. She also encourages everyone to work toward protecting the planet – and you can start by eating organically. Christie thinks everyone should go out and enjoy nature and she does all kinds of exercises: gym, Pilates, yoga, walking on the beach, and dancing. And she rarely drinks.
Nancy’s Beauty Secret: Nancy believes that the more expensive products are usually worth the extra money. She also recommends that if you have acne look for products with salicylic acid versus glycolic acid (I would check this tip with a dermatologist first if I were you. Nancy is not a doctor). She believes drinking water helps a person’s skin look better and can help eliminate acne. Finally, Nancy says that alcohol (the kind people drink) makes people look puffy and bloated.
Aishwarya’s Beauty Secret: Aishwarya Rai is a self-confessed natural beauty follower. She uses cucumber to soothe her skin, gram flour to exfoliate, and milk and yogurt to moisturize the skin.
Gale’s Beauty Secret: Gold Bond Ultimate Restoring Skin Therapy Cream.
Kate’s Beauty Secret: According to an insider, Kate’s flat tummy is the work of one of those giant exercise balls. “Kate does an hour’s workout every morning using the gym ball and dumbbells, which includes some core exercises like squats, sit-ups and arm curls.” Apparently she is also a fan of a face mask containing bee-sting venom pioneered by beauty therapist Deborah Mitchell that claims to be a needle-free shortcut to youthful, line-free skin.
I don’t know about that last tip though – her stepmother-in-law, Camilla Parker Bowles, uses the face mask containing bee-sting venom too.
RiRi’s Beauty Secret: RiRi loves Avon Day Cream. She would like to love Avon Night Cream too, but that is currently more money than she is willing to spend on her beauty regimen. Until she gives in and pays the $50 or Avon lowers the price of this product, RiRi will moisturize her face at night with Oil of Olay.
Ellen’s Beauty Secret: I’m going to make a wild guess here:
Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Cover Girl.
Tina’s Beauty Secret: To all the women out there, Tina suggests that you lose weight sensibly (when you need to lose weight), always wear a bra (even if you think you don’t need one), have a trademark (Tina’s trademark is her black, horn rimmed glasses), choose the right makeup (she uses Mommy Makeup kits) and be yourself (don’t cover the real you with flashy dresses and jewels).
Oprah’s Beauty Secret: Oprah’s favorite bra is the Le Mystere Tisha Bra.
Toni’s Beauty Secret: Use Preparation H to reduce under-eye puffiness. For years models and Lisa Ling have used Preparation H to reduce under-eye puffiness. It’s not just for hemorrhoids.
Now, if I am being honest, I don’t know if Prep H is really reducing my facial puffs, but if the super models say it works then I’m going to keep having faith that it’s working and I am less puffy than I would be if I didn’t use it on a daily basis.
Please consult a physician before putting Preparation H on your face, as I will not be held responsible for your stupidity.
DON’T SKIP YOUR BEAUTY APPOINTMENTS
Friends, please, whatever the mistakes you may make in your life, do not make the mistake of missing your beauty appointments. My cousin and godchild, Mikayla, learned this the hard way.
The day before her confirmation Mikayla had a waxing appointment with my Meagan. Actually, while I was getting my arms waxed (see above photo) I discovered that Mikayla had the next appointment. When I left the room I could not find Mikayla anywhere. I thought to myself: “Why isn’t she waiting to go in?” So, I called her on the phone … she was skipping her appointment to tool around Boston with a fellow Turnip! I was so embarrassed.
Unfortunately for Mikayla, this was just the first in a long line of missed beauty appointments. Today, she looks like this:
I fear I will soon have a Cousin It in the family.
People are starting to confuse her with Troy Polamalu, which I don’t really get … Troy has a much friendlier smile.
This is Troy Polamalu:
THE FINISHED PRODUCT
After all the waxing, whining, spackling, plastering, moisturizing and painting is complete, this is the image I see looking back at me from the mirror:
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Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
Until next time…
I’m turning off the turnip truck.
T
