, ,

Here comes the turnip truck!

I hope everyone had a Happy and Guilt-Free New Year!

I say that knowing in actuality 98% of you probably dealt with stressful fights, personal tantrums, hurt feelings, exhaustion, the stomach bug, evil family members (I’m talking about you, Brian), gluttony and Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve With Ryan Seacrest … among other horrible and soul-depressing things.

It’s the way of the holidays. By the time New Year’s Day comes around we are sick of ourselves (and everyone else) and we want to start all over again. Enter January 2nd, a day on which many of you decide on and enforce those notorious New Year’s resolution(s).

So. How’s that working out for you?

That’s what I thought.

Don’t worry – now that you’ve completed the first week of making sincere efforts and sacrifices, your enthusiasm for and dedication to all things resolute will start to wither away. A few more weeks of emotional misery and you will give up those silly commitments (at least until next January) and return to an almost-normal life.

Realize that if you continue on the same path you’ve been traveling year after year, your life can never be completely normal again. Why? Because, friend, you are a failure. You’ve failed to uphold those depression-induced pledges that you made to some uncaring and vengeful New Year’s god and now you must pay. You are fraught with regret. You are a diminished version of your former self. You are up a creek without a paddle.

The older you get, the more resolutions you make. The more resolutions you make, the more resolutions you break. The more resolutions you break, the more diminished you become. After years of this noxious cycle you are left a mere shell of the vivacious person you once were.

Those fireworks of yesterweek are but a distant and fuzzy memory.

Cheer up, friends, and stop beating yourself up. There is still hope and you can reverse the damage you’ve already done with a simple adjustment to your phraseology! So get a glove – or a bat as the case will be – and join my ballgame!

Since less than 10% of people actually keep their New Year’s resolutions, I think the best resolution any of us can make is to not make any at all. Seriously. Cut yourself some slack.

If you really want to start fresh and feel good about yourself come 2013, I have a suggestion for you: rather than making a New Year’s resolution, take a “New Year’s Crack At It” instead. According to the free, on-line dictionary I found, to take a crack at something means to “try to do something; have a go at doing something.”

Having a go at doing something is way better than resolving to complete something completely because once the resolved attempt at doing something has been reached you’ve succeeded!

Taking A Crack At It Examples

Take a crack at losing weight:

Go to the gym just once and walk on the treadmill for 1 hour; once you do this you will burn enough calories to count towards attempting to lose weight. You will also be about $132 poorer, but that is beside the point.

Yeah you! Success!

Take a crack at eating healthier:

Eat a bean, a tomato or a lettuce leaf just once and your attempt at eating healthier is complete.

Yeah you! Success!

Take a crack at being a kinder person:

Smile at a stranger, pick up a fallen handkerchief for a damsel or damso (male version of a damsel) in distress, or lower your voice to bearable when yelling at helping your partner to see his/her/its flaws and you are a quarter of the way up the kindness ladder.

YEAH YOU! Success!

Personally, I have not decided what to swing my bat at yet. Right now, I’m happy just to exist from day-to-day while images of rose petals dance in my head. I am happy the way I am … at least for this fleeting moment.

2012, we welcome you and the opportunities for success that you offer.


Until next time…

I’m turning off the turnip truck.