Here comes the turnip truck!

Hi Oprah. Hi Tina. Hi Ellen.

There seems to be a few followers who are slightly bored and/or annoyed with the constant stream of Margaret articles (David E and Nancy B). Whether they are really bored or annoyed or just jealous, I’m not sure.

In any case, I’m a real-life writer now and we real-life writers write about what we know. I know Margaret. Now, should anyone else feel a bit of Margaret-overload, I ask you to hang in there because things are about to get twisted.

This blog is actually not about Margaret’s wonderfulness, but about how Margaret almost killed an innocent. In this article some of her deep, dark secrets are exposed. This is the point in Margaret’s living eulogy where things take a turn toward the unexpected and you realize she ain’t as great as I’ve made her out to be. Margaret has a dark side. It’s true. She is a regular Dr. Jeckle and Ms. Hyde.

These are the real Margarets

This blog also features the first of a new series of articles on my Bestest, NC, Kerry B.

Kerry B and Me

Happy reading!

MORE ABOUT MARGARET

(Don’t worry David E… the end is in sight.)

YOU WONDERFUL YOU
My Friend Margaret

A Living Eulogy
Part V of VI

Part V
Margaret always tries to be kind and loving like Dr. Jeckle, but sometimes her inner Hyde takes control and makes her do bad things. She kept it hidden so well, until one night her secret was exposed.

This is Margaret Hyde

It all began the night Margaret ran over a poor and innocent bag lady.

Margaret's Weapon of Choice

One night, when Margaret was speeding to a play rehearsal, she hit a bag lady (Margaret is an actress in her spare time and that is why she was driving to play rehearsal).  If Margaret were standing over me now and reading this she would want me to tell you that she did stop to make sure the lady was OK, but the lady just screamed and screamed at her like a crazy.  Margaret would also want me to tell you that she (Margaret) did call the police and tell them of the homicidal incident. When the police arrived on the scene to investigate they could not find the hide or the hair of that crazy bag lady – they deducted that she fled on foot never to be seen again.

Margaret says that, in the end, “It was that lady’s own fault for walking on the sidewalk. What was she thinking anyway?”

I responded to this accusation saying, “I don’t know what she was thinking, Margaret. I don’t know.”

I thought about asking Margaret why the heck she was driving on the sidewalk to begin with, but I didn’t because she seemed so shaken up by the situation.

By the way, have I mentioned before that Margaret is a wicked good actress? She is.

This is Margaret Jeckle seconds before she turns into Margaret Hyde.

When I showed a picture of Margaret to my little nephew Jack he freaked out. They say children can sense when something or someone is pure evil.

Jack's reaction upon seeing a picture of Margaret Hyde

Enough about Margaret, I now need to tribute my Bestest, NC, Kerry B.

This is Kerry B

Kerry B and me have been through a lot together since secretly becoming friends in the late 1990s. As I continue to blog, I will chronicle these stories in a series I call:

YOU WONDERFUL YOU
Me and My Friend Kerry B

An Outrageous Tale of Misadventure and Fortune

Before I chronicle our stories of misadventure and fortune, I need to tell you a bit more about Kerry B. You’ve already learned (because I’m sure you’ve all read all the previous blogs and if you didn’t read ALL the previous blogs what is your problem?)  that she loves rodeos (and rodeo clowns), country line-dancing, and wrestling. What you don’t know is Kerry B is fashion-challenged. It’s true. In fact, her fashion faux pas having gotten her into quite a few pickles in the past.

Kerry B and a Pickle

I discovered that Kerry B was 
fashionably challenged early on in our friendship. The two of us were invited to a swinging house party one summer night late in August. When I arrived at Kerry B’s apartment to pick her up and she hopped in my car I could tell something was off, but I didn’t want to stare because staring is rude. God made me kinder than that.

Instead, I decided to nonchalantly observe her later in the night.

Nonchalantly observing Kerry B proved easy enough, as she made a spectacle of herself dancing that night. She has the weirdest dance moves. And please don’t think that Kerry B was a dancing drunk because she was not. Kerry B used to be a teetotaler.

As this dancing teetotaler whirled around the living room of this tiny house, I got a look at her feet and I was horrified! Kerry B was wearing sandals … with socks!

I scrambled to get my camera and take a picture. I figured she must not have a mirror in her apartment and could not see how ridiculous she looked. Unfortunately, Kerry B was moving so quickly I could not get a great picture of her fashion faux pas (well I couldn’t get a great picture of the socks and sandals – the 1980s jeans are another story and I’m not going there with her because, as you will see, I’ve had a hard enough time breaking the footwear habits). Here is what I did get:


So, I developed the pictures from that night and showed her how ugly her footwear was and assumed she would be as horrified as I.

You know what they say about assuming things.

She was not horrified in the least! Apparently, she wore (and wears) socks with her sandals because she didn’t (and doesn’t) want her feet to get cold. I know you must be wondering why she doesn’t just wear sneakers with the socks, but she said she likes the ventilation the sandals give. To each his own, I guess, and all that sort of thing.

Over the years Kerry B has sported this look over and over again, but at least her taste in sandals has consistently improved (and I used that term loosely). Look below to see Kerry B’s footwear style progression.


Kerry B even wore socks and sandals the day she married Larry S, but she smartly did not let the cameras catch her secret obsession with hideous footwear. She knew that if she did she would be mocked.

Kerry B hides her socks and sandals as Photographer Me attempts to take a picture

I’ve told Kerry B several times that there has never been an era – not before Christ or after Him – when wearing socks with sandals was/is acceptable. She doesn’t care.

As you can imagine, Kerry B does not always make great overall fashion choices either, but what can a friend do? Sometimes, you just have to sit back and chalk it up to one of those “things that make you go HMMMM.” That is what I did with outfits like the two that follow.

Once upon another time, Kerry B, me and a bunch of friends (and some extra freaks who wanted to be our friends) went out dancing. This is the outfit Kerry B specially picked for that outing:

Kerry B felt like a HOTTIE as she trolled around the bar buying drinks for strange men

Then there was the Christmas when we were going to the mall to take our picture with Santa Claus. There was a soft flurry floating down from the heavens that day, but nothing to get excited about – except for Kerry. She decided to bundle up to not risk getting frostbite. This is the outfit Kerry B specially picked for that outing:

This darn outfit ruined our holiday picture

I can’t help but wonder where Kerry B gets her fashion sense from. It is not Mama B that is for sure. Mama B is always very stylish when I see her and when Kerry B goes out anywhere with her, she (Mama B) insists on dressing her (Kerry B) because she (Mama B) doesn’t want to be embarrassed by association. Still Mama B is proud of her daughter in spite of how she (Kerry B) turned out.

Mama B and Kerry B

That means Kerry B dresses like her father, Papa B.

You know what they say about apples and trees.

Me and Papa B

Jack loves to see pictures of Kerry B in all her interesting outfits.

Jack's reaction upon seeing a picture of Kerry B

No matter how questionable the fashion choices Kerry B makes are, it does not matter to me. She is one of my bestestes and she is like family to my family and I refuse to ridicule her just because everyone else does. God made me better than that.

God apparently forgot to make Margaret better than that.

Remember that story I told you at the start of this article about Margaret driving onto a sidewalk and nearly killing an alleged bag lady. Well, as it turns out, the alleged bag lady was none other than Kerry B! Though this incident happened years ago, I only found out about it recently as Kerry B tearfully told me her secret during a Skype call. I had been wondering why the heck she up and moved to North Carolina, home of a tornado or two, without any warning. Now I know.

Apparently Margaret (Hyde) was very jealous of Kerry B. She could not handle sharing me with anyone else, so she decided to take Kerry B out of the picture for good. For months Margaret (Hyde) trailed Kerry B and learned her ways and rituals. She knew that Kerry B loved to eat at the 99 Restaurant on Rt. 18 in Weymouth, MA and that she insisted on taking a little walk down the street and back right after she ate dinner so that she would not be all bloated when she got back into her car.

Kerry B decided to go to the 99 Restaurant the evening of the day we took our picture with Santa Claus and thank goodness for that – all that padding she wore to protect herself from frostbite also protected Kerry B when Margaret (Hyde) careened into her with the blue Buick (shown above) and sent her flying.

Kerry B quickly got up and tried to run away but Margaret Hyde leaped from the car and grabbed her by the goggles and told her to leave me alone forever or else… Kerry B ran away as fast as she could and moved to NC shortly afterwards.

To cover all her bases, Margaret (Hyde) called the cops and pretended like the whole thing was an accident and pretended she tried to help her intended victim. The coppers believed her and, if memory serves, I think one of them asked her on a date. Margaret is a very good actress.

Margaret is also a troubled soul and I’ve made it my mission to help her in her time of need (I’m afraid of her). I forgive her like the Lord forgiveth the homicidal Roman soldiers, because I believe she knows not what she does (she made me say that – she knows what she is doing. SHE KNOWS!). I will not abandon her now and I will always keep her as my Bestest, MA (because I’m afraid if I don’t she will run me over too). To do anything to the contrary would be dumb and God made me smarter than that.

i

Thou shall not steal, or maim, or kill...

Without Kerry to laugh at and hang out with, I find myself all alone and mostly friendless and, at times, pathetic. Oh what a wicked web we weave when we start stalking single white females.

Pathetic Me

I am beginning to think that Kerry wears a disguise and comes back to Massachusetts to costume Margaret for her various plays.

You know what they say about payback.

Until next time…

I’m turning off the turnip truck.

T

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