Here comes the turnip truck!

Hi Oprah. Hi Tina. Hi Ellen.

One day we four will laugh together for real.

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A Living Eulogy

Part III of VI

Part III

Margaret writes the most beautiful eulogies for people before they are even dead. (Whom do you think I got this idea from?) My husband, Jim Gross, and his family cried and cried at the praises she sang of him (my husband) when his (my husband’s) dad died.

Are you confused yet? I don’t blame you. Let me try to explain. When my dad-in-law, Bob, died back in February (2011), Margaret posted a beautiful and lovely obituary of sorts, which I entitled Tribute to Jim, on the funeral home’s website. I did a little digging and I found that article in the archives of the funeral home’s website. Here is the entire excerpt from that piece:

Although I never had the fortune to know Mr. Gross personally, I am confident that this was an extraordinary man to have raised a son as remarkable as Jim. (Note: Jim’s mom had a lot to do with how he turned out.) I have known Jim and his wife Toni for years, and I count them among my closest friends. Jim is one of the most selfless, genuine and loyal people that I have ever known. The Gross family will be in my thoughts and in my heart during this difficult transition.

Love,

Margaret, Mat and Harry

Live In Peace

Although I can’t say for certain, I’m guessing that anyone who stumbled across this living eulogy was confused for a minute and then thought that the person who wrote such accolades for an alive man on a dead man’s website wall was an oddball, as Jim’s family did when they read it.

A Confused Person

Then, just as Jim’s family did, they probably cried at the beautiful testimonial they had just read.

A Crying Person

Jim is a nice guy.

Unfortunately, Margaret wrote this little plaudit for Jim before she saw pictures of him sporting The Mullet back in the day. I bet she would have felt differently had she taken the time to research Jim’s past.

Jim Gross and The Mullet - Jim's face is blurred out to protect his identity

I doubt Margaret would have been friends with Jim had she met him during this awkward period in his life. She would have been too embarrassed to be seen with him. I would have felt the same way. It’s a good thing Jim and I met and married later in life or he would still be single. What was he thinking?

Margaret and Jim - Jim's face is blurred to protect Margaret's identity

Today’s young, hip people are probably asking themselves what the heck The Mullet is and questioning how bad it could have been and/or is. Allow me to enlighten you, Young Ones. The picture above features Jim with a shortish, red Mullet, and the picture directly below features a man (staring at a wall for no apparent reason) with a longish, brown mullet. These are not weird-looking hats. These are heads of human hair. I know. It’s so crazy.

The Mullet: An Example ... Can you guess who this hair model is? (Hint: Keep reading!)

The Mullet was (and is) a hideous hairstyle that is short at the front and sides, and long in the back. The Mullet was popular in the 1960s and 1970s, but did not become well-known until the early 1980s – and as unbelievable as this is to believe, it remained popular into the 1990s.

The erroneous belief that The Mullet was ever even acceptable in civilized societies is due, in part, to the fact that Hollywood actors made the darn thing look cool! This is just an optical illusion though. Adding a leather jacket to anything can increase the object’s coolness by about 75%.  In the photo below, actor John Stamos (as Uncle Jesse from the TV show Full House) makes The Mullet seem like a retro and rockin’ hairstyle. It wasn’t. What was he thinking?

Uncle Jesse is a nice guy.

Uncle Jesse and The Mullet

We can’t really blame Jim for Mulletizing his head because there was a time when many, many men and women were rocking that look. Somehow The Mullet people did not realize how ugly and unattractive it made them seem to the people with normal hair cuts and to any aliens looking down on Earth and monitoring our world’s goings-on. I’m sure the aliens were completely baffled by bizarre phenomenon sweeping over a large part of our world’s population.

A Confused Alien

I wonder if the Aliens ever contemplated an intervention like we do with addicts who aren’t thinking clearly. If they did think about intervening they were obviously too scared to follow through in the end.

More bad news: The Mullet is making a comeback along with parachute pants, leg warmers and fluorescent outfits.

Why does this hair-do keep coming back?

Parachute Pants - AKA Hammer Pants

Legwarmers

A Fluorescent Outfit

Olivia

Folks, we coined the phrase, The 1980s: What Were They Thinking, for a reason. Please stop reviving the ugliness. Please.

And, NO, Young Ones – this is NOT a joke. Stick to the retro Geek-Chic that is all the rage now. It’s much more in vogue than any look from the 1980s.

Geek Chic for Women

Geek Chic for Men

My brother in-law, Sean Bell (Jack’s dad and the hair model from above), also wore out The Mullet, but Sean was worse off than Jim because a lot more photographs exist of Sean from that period than exist of Jim. Plus the Irish Strap that overwhelmed Sean’s jaw line didn’t help his look any. (An Irish Strap is a creepy looking beard that I think originated in Ireland.) What was he thinking?

Sean Bell and The Mullet - Sean's face is blurred out to protect his identity

Sean also grew a rat’s tail. Young Ones, below are examples of rat tails and humans (normal and mutant).

Specimen: The Original Rat’s Tail

Specimen: The Original Human

Specimen: New Breed of Creature = ½ Human-½ Rat

Sean and I would not have been friends had I met him during this crazy hairstyle phase of his. I would have judged him unfairly and thought him too weird to be my friend … or relative for that matter. I’m glad he is over it now.

Sean is a nice guy.

Sean Bell and The Mullet - Sean's face is blurred out to protect his identity

Until next time…

I’m turning off the turnip truck.

 T

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