Here comes the turnip truck!
Since I’m taking a break from aggressively pursuing a relationship with Oprah and Tina (so they won’t think I’m a crazy person), I thought I would take this time to give a shout out to Ellen DeGeneres. I love Ellen Degeneres as much as I do Oprah and Tina, but I can only focus on getting the attention of two (or less) people at a time. Three is overwhelming when you consider the amount of work that goes into hunting people down and getting them to notice you. My husband, Jim, calls this stalking, but I say it’s not. It is simply making my presence known in a passive aggressive sort of way.
Ellen, if things don’t work out between me and Tina or between me and Oprah then I am coming your way… unless you don’t want to wait that long. Then you can just reach out to me!
So, my faithful followers and creepers who pop on to see what I have to say, but won’t subscribe to the blog (what is your problem anyway?), have you come back to read more about Margaret or … well, it doesn’t matter why else you may have come back because “More About Margaret” is what you’re getting.
Below is You Wonderful You: Parts 0 & I of VI. This is the first part of my friend Margaret’s Living Eulogy. In 50 or more years when she is dead it will become her dead person eulogy. Alas, Margaret only wants to live until about 75ish, but I told her not to be a stick-in-the-mud and that we will have a Black Eyed Peas sort of good time tearing up whatever nursing home we end up in. I mean think of it, Boom Boom Pow: The Senior Citizen Remix will be thumpin’ through the nursing home speakers (for all residents – and guests – who aren’t deaf yet), filling us with a vivacious spirit, which ignites the dare-devils in us, which in-turn inspires us to play with the oxygen tanks, have wheelchair races, hustle the more senile nursing home inhabitants in a rousing game of Go Fish, and make the little kids forced to visit with us on school field trips cry. There really is so much to look forward to in our advanced years! Old people are so lucky!
Hey, it just occurred to me that old people who live in nursing homes (or one of their kid’s homes – in any case, a home they don’t own themselves) are exactly like cats. It’s true. They lounge around someone else’s house all day long and the people who run the house bring them three square meals, scratch them in unmentionable areas, clean up their messes, and have to listen to them crab about whatever is peeving them at the moment. And, if they don’t like you they will swat and hiss at you until you leave them alone.
Every once in a while you see a feisty whipper snapper running wild around the halls of the house causing havoc – much like a cat on the nip. My guess is, if you do see this sort of carousing in the corridors or the dining hall, the old person has scored a little nip of something-something too. Damn! Old people and cats are so lucky!
Oh, I hope I haven’t offended my senior citizen following. I didn’t mean to. I truly admire your life-style and I hope I’m exactly like you one day. Heck, I want to be like you now, but my husband takes umbrage with that sort of behavior. You can bet your buttocks he won’t be chilling in my nursing home, squashing my life-fire, when he’s old and gray. He can go live at Wal-Mart with the other half of the advance-years population.
YOU WONDERFUL YOU
My Friend Margaret
A Living Eulogy
Part 0 of VI
Margaret Kelly is one of the most beautiful, honest, trustworthy, intelligent, witty, talented women I know. She makes me laugh all the time (well, she makes me laugh sometimes). She is an incredible mother who absolutely adores her son Harry and would do anything for him. (Just recently we were on Martha’s Vineyard and Margie took great care to pick out the perfect T-shirt for Harry. She wanted the T-Shirt to really express what Harry was all about so she bought him a shirt with a giant shark mouth on it. That was nice.)
Part I of VI
Margaret offers excellent advice and loves a few of the people in her life fiercely. I recognized her brilliance long ago (long ago = years and years) and I decided then to stalk aggressively pursue a relationship with her until she felt bludgeoned into comfortable with calling me her bestest. It’s true and I’m proud of it!
Until next time…
I’m turning off the turnip truck.